Wizard of Gauze
by Evil Irish Llama
Summary: This is the re written version of the Wizard of Oz that I wrote. If you don't like random explosions, awsomely outburts of random insanity then please do not read this story, for your oppinion about me might drop a few knotches.


"_WHEE!"_

I ran around the house **frantically**. I was so hyper. Me and Smirf-ish had been running around blowing stuff up all freaking day long. It was the fourth of July! What else were you thinking we were going to be doing? Going to some strange far away land that isn't Kansas anymore? Well, it's funny that you think exactly that. (You'll see why, if you keep reading. And; by the way; Smirf-ish is my little smirf-ish troll-ish plastic friend who is alive and has green neon hair and big wide red eyes with black veins in them. He's very insane.)

"ANNE! Calm down this INSTANT! You are much too hyper, if you cry from a burnt eyelash you'll want to kill yourself! Stop that right now!"

My mother took my lighter and hairspray out of my hand, continuing her lecture about how naughty it was to light things on fire with explosives attached to it; and, no, it still wasn't ok, even though it -**was**- the fourth of July.

"**Ok ok ok** ok ok okok!" I blurted. "I get it! Poo stinkeys!"

I handed over my toys. Then I grinned and started to run to my room, throwing a fake fit. "OMG IM SO UPSET I CANT BLOW SHIT UP! I WANNA DIE OMG!"

I slammed my door and heard her sigh real loud like. I giggled and got out more lighters and hairspray. I had my finale to attend to.

I really wanted to do my finale.

So I did.

I jumped out my window with Smirf-ish. It was getting a little wacky outside. Seeming how we –did- live in a trailer park, things got a little crazy the one time everyone in America gets drunk all together in one day! I took my hairspray and wrote my name in LARGE wet letters in my huge empty concrete driveway. I let Smirf-ish down to light each letter up, listening to him giggle madly. It made me twitch with happiness.

"YES! WHEEE! FIRE BURRN BOOM GO WHEEEEE!" I took a picture after climbing to the top of my house. Then I kicked over the four huge buckets of water I had placed out there the night before, before my mommy came out.

"What are you yelling about? Why is the driveway soaked? AND WHERE'S MY CAR!" She spurted.

"You're car was abducted, it left a note. I bought some fish for the front yard and needed a pond, so I could peacefully read my books in a nice environment." I lied.

She stared at me, and then shut the door. I spun in the air and danced in the streets of my park, so mischievously evil like. I clutched my heart at the becoming loveliness of everything around me, and suddenly realized it was a seizure! Well almost. I got hit in the head by a beer bottle of some guy who thought I was insane. So he threw his beer at me.

"To sum up: you are about as smart as your rubber bow tie and two left shoes suggest, Bozo. Now, go curl back up in your corner, and continue chewing on your toenails." I slurred.

That's all I remember, cuz then I blacked out.

I opened my eyes to a fuzzy warm sheet, and Smirf-ish was still with me. I gathered him on my shoulder and got up. I ran into a few things, cuz my vision made me feel like I was lickin crack. I fell into a door, and I would have stayed inside, but I fell through it too.

"FUCK NUGGERS!" I blurted, hitting my head again. I shook it, and rubbed it, then stopped. I looked around. Eveything was all weird, and...weird.

"Um. What the fuck? Where the hell am I?" I ran around a little bit, all drunk like and tripped over a fucking stump.

"Where did you come from?" I pondered.

"OOOZZZZ!" It said suddenly. I jumped backwards.

"BAHHH! You can talk?"

Come to find out it wasn't a stump, just a short person.

Suddenly they all came out, and started talking. I hated them. I **loathled **them. They talked of me being some hero and killing some stupid 'bitch' or something.

"HEY HEY **HEY!** Hi. I don't care. **THANKS**."

"Well that wasn't nice." A wooshy washy voice said to me.

"Well **you** aren't nice," I said without looking. Cuz when I did look, I couldn't say anything.

"**HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"** I screamed out loud with laughter. It was a big pink poof. Literally.

"Oh goodness. You -are- a **loud** witch." She assumed.

Her voice sounded like a noise I make with my chin and finger to make it sound like a water drip. You know; that noise. It made me giggle that she sounded that way.

"teehee. Yep I sure am a LOOOUUUD WIIITCH! AND IF YOU DON'T TELL ME WHERE I AM, YOU WILL BE SORRY; IMMIDIATLY!" I figured being a 'loud witch' was like, super powerful or something, and maybe 'immediately' wasn't a word she knew, so she would think it was some powerful word or something. I held Smirf-ish out and he lit his torch. She was really freaked out.

"OH! Oh MY! What is –that-? Is THAT a witch!" She kinda puffed, cuz that's what poofs do when they get disturbed or something.

"Nope, that's Smirf-ish!" I gleamed. "NOW! Tell me!"

"You are in Gauze! This **is** Spurting Water Machine To Clean Your Teeth When You Go To The Dentist Land! That Yellow road make out of **gold** leads you to EMERALD CITY!" She squealed.

I blinked. That made so sense at all. Anything she just said; none of it made -any- sence.

"...Isn't...um...isn't that **weird**? I think...I think it's weird. A gold road? Leading to an -Emerald- city? I mean, that's bullshit. There shouldn't be one mineral leading to another. They might mix together one day and blow this world to smitherines! Don't you people have brains? Its simple common logic you know. Oh wait, I'm am earthling, I'm smarter then all of you. So shut up."

The pink poof stuttered. "B-but I-"

"I said shut up."

"..."

"What part of "shut up" do you not understand, the shut, or the up? **CHOOSE NOW!** Then shut up."

"I don't know. I'm indecisive." The poof said.

"Oh. Well that's ok then."

"**NO ITS NOT!"** Said some scratchy voice in the backround.

I whipped around to see a lady who looked like she just got back from the villiage in the Holy Grail so they could make her look like a witch cuz she didn't know how, but failed to get there because it wasn't really a real place, so she ended up doing it herself, and she looked **ridiculous.**

And I really wanted to tell her.

So I did.

"You look **ridiculous**." I stated.

"You shut up, you little brat. Where did you come from, anyway?" She **sneered** at me.

I got that look too much. I laughed at her because she said the same thing I did when I saw a new weird lookin thing earlier.

"HAHA! Well, I came from my trailer park. But I don't think I'm there anymore. I mean I could; crack heads can be pretty weird sometimes; but they aren't smart enough to go this far. I mean, pink poofs and bad make up jobs with green face paint? Nah. They'd use cotton balls with magic marker and they wouldn't use -face- paint, they'd use -real- paint."

"Look, you redundant brainless, cursed, little iota. Shut up, or I'll bust a cap in yo' ass." Then she went away.

Then all these little people I thought were stumps started running out from the bushes and the pink poof started singing. It wasn't making me comfortable. The squealing over whelmed me and I ran, and bit the pin and then threw the grenade. I took a picture at the boom. Those Munchkins sure looked better in pieces. The pink stupid poof just got poofed all separated but then just cluttered together, cuz it was a poof, and it could do that.

I walked down this road made of Gold. This was making me think. Im pretty slow sometimes. But then it stopped, and went two ways.

"**HOLY SHIT!"** I screamed, panicking. "MORE GOLD!"

Then I realized I had more then one choice to make to keep walking in a direction. I thunked.

"HEY HEY **HEY HEY HEYYYYY**! GO THAT WAAAYYY!" Somebody screeched.

"WHAT THE **FUCK** DUDE?" I whipped around and held Smirf-ish out like a gun. But it was a freaking scarecrow.

"Hey, dude, you can talk dude!" I jumped up and down, and went to take him down.

"You're mine right now ok? You're a talking scarecrow, that's like the BEST thing **EVER** holy shit."

I really wanted to get him down.

So I did.

And there were these stupid crows. Gosh. Nothing in this stupid world is normal, but they're CROWS. I mean, what the hell? Doesn't that represent something? Is there a reason they are there? Am I protesting? Am I picking things to put in this story thatyou have to think just like me to understand? i think I am. But do you know that? No. Because you don't think like me.

Or do you?

Are you?

Have you had at least 15 life changing phanomanons while reading this story so far?

If not, then no, you don't think like .

So I got him down and he tottaly fell like all over the place.

"Dude. What are you doing."

He shrugged. "Nothing."

"Come with me. You're cool. You're a talking scarecrow. Wow."

He shrugged again. "Ok. It's better then staying up there all day! Let me sing you a song about me not having any intelligence when I really do!"

He then began to dance and the music started playing in the backround.

"Oohhohohh no dude. No **fucking** way; if ever hear this song again my head will explode."

So, I took out a real gun and shot the muic box up in the sound booth. A few people in the audience screamed, but I didn't hurt anyone, so they forgot.

We kept walking.

I think I left a few pot holes though. Me and Smirfish wanted some money, we were pretty low, so we blew some of the road up here and there.

Scarewcrow got pretty nervous, and we couldn't get him to be fond of the fun blowing up burning stuff around him.

You know, they have explosives growing on tree's here you know. AND AND **AND**! When you pick them -off- the trees, they **throw** them at you! It's **awesome!**

Just then Smirf-ish jumped from my hand in a hysterical fit of happiness. He ran over to this big tall pile of scraps shaped like a dude. I walked over and fell on my face when I saw what it really was.

I peeled my face of the ground for the first time

"Oh my gawd. Hey scarecrow! ...You're new name is bob. Scarecrow is annoying as **spasmodic seizures** to say. So; hey Bob! Look! A dude made of like, **metal!"**

Bob came over and poked him. He ran away though, because Smirf-ish was busy torching it, making black burn marks on it. He was drawing designs all over it, kinda like spray painting it with black spray paint. It looked pretty cool after we buffed him up. With the oil we found.

"Wow. Gosh, thanks a lot!" He said.

"You're wel-" I stopped. "Hey what the hell dude, does everything talk here!"

"Yes, you could say that. This is Gauze; everything is possible. Except, I don't think it's possible for me to get a heart." He sighed, and the music started again.

"No, no **no ****no!** Stop it."

I took out my gun and blasted the music box again. The audience kinda didn't jump this time.

"HEY YOU NAUSIATING scum! I'm back."

That stupid witch wanna-be felt like she had to see if I was doing alright. I bet she was takeing care of me in the long run. In fact, I think she was my Mom, because she said the same thing I did, and she was chaseing after scarecrow laughing manicly trying to light him on fire. I could kinda see the resemblance.

"Hey, stop it. Go away, you poo stain."

I stuck my tongue out at her, but she did go away.

So, it was pretty damn dark now. We were walking along, and smirf was sleeping inside his new obsession, the tin dude.

"Tin dude, you need a name. I think you'll just be dude, so I can say 'Hey, dude!' all the time."

He nodded. "That seems sufficient!"

We realized all at once that we had walked into a forest that was all creepy-ish and dark; and we all tired to jump into each other's arms at once too. So we all jumped into each other at once and fell into a pile on the ground.

"**OOOOOOOOOOOOH OOOOOWWWWWIIIIIIIEEEEE**!" Screamed me, because no one else got hurt. Bob was made of straw, and Dude of metal or something, neither of them cared any. But they both got up and appoligized. It was ok with me, so whatever.

"WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT!" Something suddenly blurted out, a big brown streak running behind us and hiding.

"What the hell was that?" I poo-ed.

A lion suddenly walked under all of us, making us fall on our backs on his back and roll off it onto our heads.

Bob stayed in that position. "What are you hiding from, lion?"

I got up and shook myself around, then sighed. "You look funny Bob. Lion, what are you scared of?"

Dude got up; Smirf-ish was lighting him on fire because he was so pissed off because he was still sleeping and got thrown around from all the falling.

The lion started crying. I felt horrible. teehee.

"I pee'd my pants! I got scarred and I pee'd my pants! I didn't mean to, but I try to sleep and I can't!I don't know what to do, I'm a coward, I even scare myself! BLAHAHAHAHAHA..." He continued crying like he was laughing.

"**what the hell** A lion talks to? Ya know, this is getting old. Everything freaking talks; that means I'm going to go insane from everything in the world talking at once holy **SHIIT!"** I proclaimed.

"Haha, you scare yourself shitless as well as pee-less, huh?" Bob giggled, just like me.

Then I smacked him on the noggin.

"**SHUT YOUR HOLE LION!** Come with me, you'll get used to stuff dieing and exploding around you. That's the best way to get courage. So get off your lazy ass and come with me if you want to get more courage. By the way; you can't pee your pants, you don t have any pants to pee in." I crossed my arms.

He looked at me. And he got up, stopped crying and started walking. He started being this big old drama queen.

"Yes...Yes! I shall become the bravest of them all! I will be the thing KING of this forest!"

And he began to sing.

"**GOD DAMNIT, DOESN'T THAT THING DIE! IT'S YOUR FAULT YOU STUPID ASS HOLE!"** I shot the guy running the sound instead of the music box this time. He was ok, I just trimmed his hair so his wife didn't have to. She was happy, so everything was alright; she dropped charges and we kept going.

"Where are we going?" The lion asked.

"I don't really know; to this place. Its like Hollywood, I guess." I claimed.

"...Are we there yet?" He hesitated.

"Oh shut up, Alex. Don't go there. Your name is Alex now, because Alex is a wussy name."

So we kept walking, and he kept asking if we were there yet. It kinda got annoying. But I liked him.

The witch wanna be was sitting in her big thrown in her castle, all scary and stuff.

"**RRRAAAAAWWWRRRRR!** This stupid beast is going along too. Bah. Too much trouble." She turned to her army of stuffed tie-dye dolphins.

"What should we do to take care of them?" She mused.

They squeaked, or whatever dolphins do.

"Oh I know. You know those **flowers**? And they can put you to **sleep**? You know, those gold ones or whatever...**POPPIES!** Yeah. poppies will make you sleep, right? ...So, Poppies?"

The dolphins nodded. It was a funny sight. They were all cottony inside. They got very comfy to sleep on.

Secretly, the witch wanna-be would want to put them in a pile and jump **into** them.

So she did.

She is a very silly lady.

Alex and Dude were throwing me and Smirf-ish way up high in the air while we walked out of the forest, because we were bored. My shirt caught on a TREETOP and it bended the tree down, then up, flinging me off and **way up in the air.**

Me and Smirf-ish flew a long way; and we were pretty high up in the sky. But then we stopped, and started going **Ddownnnnnn**...I was falling for a bit from the sky; but a big field of Poppies stopped me. I had hit the ground.

"AH! My titties."

I peeled my face from the ground, again for the second time during this escapade. I heard Smirf-ish crying about his wee-wee. This happened a lot, so I had a **reflex sentence.**  
"Smirf-ish, you don't have a wee-wee."

He stopped.

I got up; but then I fell back down again.

I really wanted to go to sleepy-poo.

So i did.

I dreamt my usually dreams of multi colored dinosaur parrots bathing in the scary thunderstorms, and the times where me and my friends are big blue blobs of goo and go around swallowing people in or goop who we didn't like. But then I woke up. To some freaking singing.

I recognized that singing. It was that stupid poof again.

"Didn't I tell you to shut up?" I asked, after once again peeling my face from the ground for the third time.

"But, I was helping you!" She proclaimed.

"Oh. You were? Oh. Well...Oh. Thanks. ...Oh.

That's stupid. I'm leaving this world, its dull and un-ammusing. I refuse to let myself boil down to the salt of that watery brain you have. It's stupid. Get a new one."

And with that, she floated away, calling me a typical moron. It was a bit out of character, but I think I made her mad.

I looked up and snorted, rubbing my eyes. I saw a big pile of green scraps this time. They were made into this pointy green thing. It was odd. Smirf-ish got jelous suddenly, I guess cuz it looked like his hair.

He ran all the way to it. It's funny to watch him run.

We skipped along beside him, and finally after a little while of running we got tired and just rode our the bikes we had in our pockets the rest of the way there.

"Well, what the fucking flameing poop bags. How do we get in?" I wondered.

"I don't know, why don't you find out, stupid head." I said back to myself.

"Hey, that wasn't nice, Anne. you should appologize to her!" Said Dude. (Tinman, incase you forgot. xD stupid.)

"What? Oh...I should? ...Oh. Well. ok then. I'm sorry." I said, all retarded like.

"...Well, I guess it's alright, you should just act normal and not like a fucking retard sometimes. Goodness child, have some shame!" I said to myself again.

Now; Dude, Alex, and Bob we're all looking at me funny, whipsering questions to each other like;

"Um...Is she ok?" Said Alex the Lion.

"I thought she was skitso. I didn't have anything on her before, but now...yeah. I got that on tape. Im pretty damn smart huh?" Said Bob, the scarecrow.

"If your brain matter was axle grease, there wouldn't be enough in your head to grease the dynamo on a lightening bug's ass. Does your train of thought have a caboose? But, yes, that is clever. I wonder if she'll do it anymore later? She wasn't ecactly what I thought was going to be giving us the things we needed. I think I love her." Dude; the Tinman blurted.

"Wow. Are you going to tell her That? She's kinda scary, but I would really go tell her if I were you. You gotta be brave!" Rawred Alex the Lion.

They all stopped and stared at him, then decided it would be good to see why I was talking to a guard through a window. Funny thing. I was the one hanging in the window with my head **INSIDE **the building.

"HEY **DUUUUDES!** I'm here now. Can ya let me in? I want some punch and Mango Pie!" I squished.

I squeezed through the hole in the door by standing on a munchkin I had stuffed in my back pocket, way back when, for a suvineir. I fell to the floor and landed on my head. It sucked.

I turned over on the ground and flopped my leg up and over the top of the handle and pressed it down, pulling to open the doors.

Then this wizard told me to fuck off after I tried to talk to him, and he said i had to go all skitso and murder some chick and bring him a broom if I wanted to talk to him again. I think he hated me.

I really wanted to fart.

So I did.

I walked back to the others. "Hi guys. You know, I farted just now."

"..." Bob said nothing.

"..." Dude Said nothing.

"..." Alex said nothing.

"..." Monkey said nothing.

"**Hey!** Who are you? There's only supposed to be 3 people. Not four. Who are you? What have you done with the person you didn't have to replace because you didn't replace anyone, your just here? Where did you come from? What are you doing? When are you leaving? Why are you so annoying? Why aren't you going away?" I drilled it.

It stood there. "Im a monkey." Said the monkey.

"Well yes, we know. but who what when where and why? I don't unserstand...understand...understa-..." I looked at bob, the scarecrow.

"Is that a god damn talking monkey?"

Bob nodded.

"..." I shifted my wheight.

"And to think if i snuck into your room tonight and put an axe in your head, -i- would go to jail? What do you want?" I grabbed its ear.

"I've come to capture you." It said, all boring and stuff.

"Oh."

They were all tottaly flipping out behind me.

"AAaAhhhaaahahaHAHAHHaahahaaaahhh." I said, all boring and stuff.

Then I flew away with the monkey.

He dropped me through a skylight in a room. I saw that dim-witted witch wanna-be. She was all pissy. Probably PMSing.

"**YOU DENSE DISSIPATED DESGUSTING DELINQUET!** it's you whom I **DISPISE**." She screamed at me.

She had bad breath. Pee-you.

But then she told me I have an hour to live, so I didn't want to get on her worse side.

I kinda flopped over on the nice little chair she put in there for me.

"Smirf-ish. Im sick of this stupid place. Lets torch this dump and go away."

So we did.

He lit the doors of fire, and I took two of the lights that were torches and had fun with those. Then we ran out the door, leaving a wonderful picture of **blazing inferno bilstering** behind me.

I soon realized I didn't know how to get back home. Shit.

"YOU don't know where to go." Somebody said.

"Hey, dude. That's personal." I snorted.

"Well, I know how to get you back. Im a wizard." He snagged.

"OH! YOUR THAT STUPID ASSHOLE FROM EARLIER!" I picked.

"Yeah, that's me. Anyhow, do you want to know or don't you?" He blahed at me.

"Yeah, I do." I verbed.

"Then freaking get in this stupid baloon and I'll go with you. But Im a wizard and they always fuck up, so take these slippers my mom gave me. they got some power to send you back home, but I ran away from home at twelve. So lets go; then good luck later." He verbed, too.

I didn't really understand what he just said, But it was kinda fun anyway.

I giggled and just fallowed him, not knowing why the hell i was holding slippers. I was thinking about how I didn't get to say bye to everyone. I kinda scorteched them... Oops.

Well, I got in the ballon, but it was made of wicker, so Smirf-ish set fire to it and we fell through. It sucked kinda.

But we fell to the ground, crashing way way way way down into the ground. We left a body imprint through layers and layers of rock and earth. That sucked too. But I was kinda knocked out, so I didn't know.

I opened my eyes, and everything was blurry. I stood up, and I was so dizzy that i fell over again. i giggled.

"Why do I feel so hick funny?"

I looked stragnly at the odd shaped people around me. Somehow I recognized my sister, brother, Mother and Father and a few of my friends and their friends and people I knew awile ago, and others.

"You wouldn't wake up. We tried putting you on a trampoline and bouncing you. It was pretty funny looking. Then we tried throwing you in the lake down the road. But you floated cuz you were sleeping. Then we tried sticking your head in the microwave, but it was empty and nothing ended up cooking besides your skull. We also brought you over the the neighbours during the fireworks, and lit one infront of you. Then since you wouldn't wake up any other way, we've been pouring alchohol on you and making you drink it for the past few hours. It's really fun." A few people said at different times.

I blinked.

"Hoooly shi..., I really slept thhhrough all tha? Why'dya pull the good pranks when I'm not hea? Hick...laugh And why's e'ry wun here to see it? Was ha'in' the chance ta torture me and nua hav'n me know abou' it all that thrilling hick teehee... tha' ya had ta **throw a party**? Why di'nt you invite me? Because ya were 'fraid I would find out you were cooking mah em'ty brain in your family micra'wave? That ya were dousin' me in alchohol? teehee... Holy... shit, I'm reeaallllyy drunk."

I breathed, then continued.

"make sure ta remin' meh to give ya guys a medel. Those were some aawwwweeesoooome stunts, maaaan."

I giggled in a fit, letting out a loud as hell hollar to the world.

"happy 4th of december! Wait. what day is it? ...Where am I? Oh. im home. Oh, hey guys. ...haha. Whee."

And I was very glad to be awake. My dreams get a little fucked up. But I still have my munchkin stump person doode in a jar next to my bed. He's great.

Happy fourth everyone.


End file.
